How to Be Nigerian NO. 5

No. 5. Be Your own Government

How have the lessons been so far? Are you understanding and learning (swiftly) how to be Nigerian? If so, glory be to … I must let you know that I wouldn’t teach you everything about being Nigerian as there are some things you would have to learn on your own. For example, your environment would determine how you would speak as a Nigerian. If you would speak smooth pidgin or rough pidgin, if you would use cuss words or naija slangs, if you would speak Queens English or Nigerian English and so on. Things like this have to do with WHERE you are in Nigeria. However, there is one thing that is constant all through the country. Your territory or terrain has nothing to do with it. That is being your own government. Wait, wait, of course it’s a democratic government here, we do have an elected government. No Jammeh situation here, we own the ol’ guy Goodluck.

How To Be Nigerian No. 4

No. 4 When you hear Ole, Run!

Ole means thief in a Nigerian language. So when you hear ole! Run. When I say run, I don’t mean run away, I mean follow the shout. We are at the market shopping, negotiating the price of kpomo with the market woman, blaming the government on how the price of kpomo, common kpomo rose from N20 to N70 within two days. We are still negotiating when her neighbor that sells kerosene starts insulting her customer, calling her “bad market” for asking that a bottle of kerosene be sold at N100. We all turn to her to calm her, she disagrees and chases away the customer. We get back to our own haggling. Then we hear it. OLE! OLE!! OLE!!! The kpomo woman jumps to her feet and picks up a stick hidden by her stall door.

How to be Nigerian No. 3

No. 3 Negotiate. Never pay as you are told

As a true Nigerian buyer, when you are given a price for a product/service, simply say “How much last-last?” Even you are told still say “ahan, it’s too expensive nah, give me the last price.” We pass a store that sells fabrics and we see a beautiful yellow fabric, let’s go get it.

How To Be Nigerian No. 2

No. 2 *Religion supersedes all. Common sense included.

You have to belong somewhere, you are either Christian or Muslim. You could support that religion with something traditional by the way. Just don’t let anyone know. If you are sick, call your pastor or Imam. That’s the only solution. Doctors?! Puhlease. Those ones always have something to say, they just want to milk you dry. Instead of paying hospital bills, sow a seed and you’ll see. You seriously don’t have to know God by yourself, need I remind you that you are not good enough? But not to worry, daddy in the Lord is there for you. You are in serious pains, well, let’s just go to the hospital for going sake. It has been 3 months since the pain started anyways and u have exhausted the bottle of holy oil. We get to the hospital and there’s a queue.