How to Be Nigerian NO. 5

No. 5. Be Your own Government

How have the lessons been so far? Are you understanding and learning (swiftly) how to be Nigerian? If so, glory be to … I must let you know that I wouldn’t teach you everything about being Nigerian as there are some things you would have to learn on your own. For example, your environment would determine how you would speak as a Nigerian. If you would speak smooth pidgin or rough pidgin, if you would use cuss words or naija slangs, if you would speak Queens English or Nigerian English and so on. Things like this have to do with WHERE you are in Nigeria. However, there is one thing that is constant all through the country. Your territory or terrain has nothing to do with it. That is being your own government. Wait, wait, of course it’s a democratic government here, we do have an elected government. No Jammeh situation here, we own the ol’ guy Goodluck.

Let me explain.

Let’s say we move to a new state because we got awesome well-paying jobs. We’re starting life afresh. The job comes with no additional package, just the salary. In the Nigeria of today, we are truly grateful for that. We quickly rent a small room in a ‘face-me-I-face-you’ to ‘manage’ till we save enough for a better place. We move in, we have nice neigbours. Life is good. Then we start work, we look good on the first week, after all our clothes come straight from the packet. We shopped for the new job. The second week comes, and we realise electricity has been supplied just once since we were here. We have to start paying drycleaners to iron our clothes. By the time the first salary comes in, our pocket is ‘dry’. Out of this salary, we pay our tithe, send some home, buy foodstuff, save some for transport. Whew! We didn’t even realise there was barely nothing left. We look forward to next month’s. Next month comes, we are semi dry, we have learnt to manage in the past weeks. We save for another month and we purchase our own electricity: generator. It took another two days for our neighbours to ask to share with them. We also purchase containers large enough and pay the keg totting water sellers to fill them. We’ve had enough of buckets, two months later, the landlord calls us tenants to a meeting.it has been decided by the landlords’ association that it is time to provide our own drainage and passable road. We were all to donate a multiple of zeros amount to the project. We don’t argue. We have learnt that it’s in our hand to provide everything. You see, the government is made of people. Fellow Nigerians. So the drainage is provided, the good road is created. Just like the government would, the job is given to the child of the sister to the cousin of the chairperson of the Landlord’s association. It takes 2 years. In two years, the drainage is clogged and oozes of rotten waste. We have taken to disposing our dirt in three. Those two years plus another six months, small potholes become ditches in the roads. We all take to blaming the government. Oh, yes, we are still living here three years later. We would get the apartment later. From the fueling of the generator to the buying of water, from the paying of rent to the donations to the building of our country, let’s not forget the inflation and taxes, we are still saving up for that better apartment. One day someone asks for the meaning of WC, we say water closet. No! Someone says, in relation to Nigeria. We are confused. What could it mean? Someone says it means Water Corporation. We laugh in spiritual powers, no way!  Someone says yes way. it's a term we are unfamiliar with. While we are laughing, the electricity bill arrives. Our laugh runs away. Electricity had been supplied just once this month. A meeting is called, we have to donate, there is going to be a protest. We need fuel for the car that would carry the generator that would carry the public address system. We take out of our savings, for the sanity of our government.

So there you have it. To be Nigerian, you have to provide your own basic amenities. You need light? Buy a generator, spend thousands to fuel it. You need water? Dig a borehole and spend thousands on a bigger generator that requires more fuel to pump it. Your roads are bad? You know what to do. Call that meeting! Till next week, stay proudly naija.