How To be Nigerian No. 12

No 12. Grab your Copy Now

Grab your copy now! Is actually a common phrase in Nigeria, made common by the fact that we see it on our television screens almost all the time, but I won’t really be talking about Nollywood that made that phrase common in our nation.

You see, Nigerians are known for being ‘hustlers’.

HOW TO BE NIGERIAN NO 11!

Be friendly

No kidding, Nigerians are the friendliest people on earth. Always smiling and willing to help. Trust me on this. If you go anywhere in Nigeria, you cannot get lost. One of the things Nigerians do best id give directions. Just stop where a group of Nigerians are seated or standing and ask for directions, for every two persons standing there, you get a different route to the same destination. Nigerians would even tell you how to conduct yourself at your destination.

We get to Lagos for the first time, our bus stop at Berger Park. We see a group of people talking, we approach them. We greet them, they respond enthusiastically, we tell them we are headed to Oshodi but we do not know how to get there. Oh, oshodi! Easy. From here, board a bus to Agege, from Agege, board another bus headed to Oshodi. That’s one way someone else says, you could board ikeja from here, not under bridge ikeja, Ikeja-Along, cross the road, but don’t cross it o. those KAI people would probably be lurking somewhere, so make sure to take the pedestrian bridge. Once you get off the bus, you’d get bus headed to oshodi just at the foot of the bridge. That’s surely one way another person says, but why not board Ojota then oshodi from there? However, go to the end of the park there’s a straight bus to oshodi another one says. From Oshodi where are we headed, they ask. We say we are getting picked up. They okay, but better be careful. Don’t just stand anywhere, stand under the bridge. Make sure to use the bridge, don’t cross. Hold firmly to your bag. Okay then, one of them personally takes us to the driver of the straight bus to Oshodi driver, they’re going to oshodi, make sure they are fine. We depart.

To Be Nigerian No 10

No. 10: Bad language!

To be Nigerian, you have to stop bad language. Absolutely not the S, F, N and other capital lettered words, I mean your native language. You see, it is absolutely wrong for a three year-old to go around saying things like “Dalu, Ejor, Sanu and so on.” Absolute rubbish. What happened to speaking proper English? That child has to speak proper English which is why he started school since he was just one year old, a very expensive school at that.

HOW TO BE NIGERIAN NO. 9

-Be of different tribes
Nigeria is said to have about 100 languages, that's a lot right? I wouldn't want to go into the history of Nigeria, I'd just say that the northern and southern protectorates that got amalgamated in 1914 birthed the nation Nigeria. Several years and civil wars down the line, the major ethnic groups are the Igbo, Hausa and the Yoruba. Enough with the history. But then, can we really separate the past from d present? How would we try to predict the future then?
It's not enough that we have to face racism, xenophobia or whatever else, we have decided to go against one another within our nation. Don't pity us, oh please don't. It's something we have to do. Aunty Flora and uncle Lugard must be turning in their graves now, watching their 'wards' turn against one another. They have to suffer for what they have done to us, it really doesn't matter that they are dead.
Being Igbo, the nation would not survive without us. We are the entrepreneurs, Yet we do not get preferential treatment. If not for daddy Johnathan, we wouldn't have even gotten the seat of power. All these Afonja people and  their lousiness. They only know how to shout and sit on the legs of their fat wives.

How TO Be Nigerian No. 8

No. 8-

Have Bad Reputation Internationally.

Hey guys, how has the journey to being Nigerian been? I hope you have been enjoying the ride just as I have been. On this number, let’s go international. To be Nigerian, please please, endeavor to have a bad reputation internationally. It does not matter how much good Nigerians have done. It does not matter that in OPEC, UN, ECOWAS and other international organisations Nigerians are representing beautifully. Nor does it even matter that in several prestigious Universities in the UK, US, Russia, Ukraine, Germany, many other nations, not to talk of at home Nigerians are making the highest distinctions. In fact, it never matters that in several places all over the world, Nigerians are trail blazers in several fields ranging from sport to business, music to education, comedy to acting, science and technology and so on. I assure you that these very important achievements do not count. What matters, I must tell you is the nation is one of the most corrupt in Africa, what matters are the foreign bank accounts our swindler leaders have in most of these foreign nations. What matters most is that Nigerians are drug peddlers, swindlers; popularly called yahoo-yahoo or G-boys. What matters is that despite the obvious Nigerians that are doing great legitimate things, another percentage are doing illegitimate things and that’s what counts.

How To Be Nigerian No. 7

No. 7- Laugh and create memes on everything

To be Nigerian, you have to know how to laugh at everything, funny or not. Just a little mistake and the whole Nigeria is rolling in memes and jokes. Like the case of the teacher in Edo state that couldn't properly read a letter and had to be corrected to the point of exasperation by the governor, in the  background, several people were laughing, forgetting that this was a national embarrassment and a call for a serious look into the state of education in that state and the nation as a whole, or that case of "spended" or "my fellow widows" that's on one hand.

How To Be Nigerian No. 6

NO. 6- Be Smart, Be Tough

Sorry this is coming 23 hours late, I had serious network issues yesterday. Nothing was working right. Well then, here we go. To be Nigerian, you have to be tough. Very tough. Nigeria has no patience for weakling, mentally and physically. It is just not allowed. An average Nigerian’s mantra is “I be naija pikin o!” that has to be said with an amused/incredulous expression. As a naija pikin, no one can cheat you. Well, except a fellow naija pikin. In Nigeria, you match wits against wits. When arguing for example, you should things like ‘you think say you dey craze? I get craze pass you.” The word craze can be substituted with other adjectives such as mad, stupid and etc. over the world, Nigerians are known as drug peddlers, thieves, scammers, as so on. That’s a lie. The thing is, Nigerian are just tough, tough really is the word. Survival against all odds. We have learnt to do this, trust me NEPA and the government has taught us so much.

How to Be Nigerian NO. 5

No. 5. Be Your own Government

How have the lessons been so far? Are you understanding and learning (swiftly) how to be Nigerian? If so, glory be to … I must let you know that I wouldn’t teach you everything about being Nigerian as there are some things you would have to learn on your own. For example, your environment would determine how you would speak as a Nigerian. If you would speak smooth pidgin or rough pidgin, if you would use cuss words or naija slangs, if you would speak Queens English or Nigerian English and so on. Things like this have to do with WHERE you are in Nigeria. However, there is one thing that is constant all through the country. Your territory or terrain has nothing to do with it. That is being your own government. Wait, wait, of course it’s a democratic government here, we do have an elected government. No Jammeh situation here, we own the ol’ guy Goodluck.

How To Be Nigerian No. 4

No. 4 When you hear Ole, Run!

Ole means thief in a Nigerian language. So when you hear ole! Run. When I say run, I don’t mean run away, I mean follow the shout. We are at the market shopping, negotiating the price of kpomo with the market woman, blaming the government on how the price of kpomo, common kpomo rose from N20 to N70 within two days. We are still negotiating when her neighbor that sells kerosene starts insulting her customer, calling her “bad market” for asking that a bottle of kerosene be sold at N100. We all turn to her to calm her, she disagrees and chases away the customer. We get back to our own haggling. Then we hear it. OLE! OLE!! OLE!!! The kpomo woman jumps to her feet and picks up a stick hidden by her stall door.

How to be Nigerian No. 3

No. 3 Negotiate. Never pay as you are told

As a true Nigerian buyer, when you are given a price for a product/service, simply say “How much last-last?” Even you are told still say “ahan, it’s too expensive nah, give me the last price.” We pass a store that sells fabrics and we see a beautiful yellow fabric, let’s go get it.

How To Be Nigerian No. 2

No. 2 *Religion supersedes all. Common sense included.

You have to belong somewhere, you are either Christian or Muslim. You could support that religion with something traditional by the way. Just don’t let anyone know. If you are sick, call your pastor or Imam. That’s the only solution. Doctors?! Puhlease. Those ones always have something to say, they just want to milk you dry. Instead of paying hospital bills, sow a seed and you’ll see. You seriously don’t have to know God by yourself, need I remind you that you are not good enough? But not to worry, daddy in the Lord is there for you. You are in serious pains, well, let’s just go to the hospital for going sake. It has been 3 months since the pain started anyways and u have exhausted the bottle of holy oil. We get to the hospital and there’s a queue.